Gather ’round the table
May 11, 2008
We abused the poor thing, my fraternity brothers and I. But it was all done with love. Every spilled beer was a big, warm hug. Every cigarette burn on the wood was a heart-felt kiss. Good ol’ Pokey (seriously, though, we didn’t name it) withstood two strong years of late-night, poker tournament abuse and never asked for anything.
Except not to be trashed…which, unfortunately, we had no choice but to do anyway.
OK, flashing back…let’s see….10 years. We’d always played cards in our fraternity house, as I’m sure everyone else did at every other house throughout the world. We played on the kitchen folding tables, we played on the TV area coffee table, and we played on the beds in each other’s rooms. Hell, I’m even guilty of playing on the floor in our upstairs hallway…until the sun came up.
At one point, my buddy Evan and I, who had just taken a liking to midday trips out to local flea markets, decided the focus of this trip would be….well, there was never a focus. We didn’t even know where we were ending up half the time.
I’ll set the scene for you. Missouri isn’t the most urban of places this fine country has to offer. Outside of the somewhat entertaining college town of Columbia (which is smack in the middle of the state), you run into a lot of towns with signs boasting “Population: 51″ and “Population: 33.”
Yeah, those kind of towns. I went to a Chili Fest in one of those towns once and came back with a cow skull. That, however, is a different story.
The flea markets are scattered throughout the state. They’re indoors, and usually just long rows of shelves in a big room with all sorts of middle America crap staring you depressingly in the face. All varieties of signs and mirrors are hanging from the ceiling. You can find anything from 8-tracks to baby clothes to dining room furniture. Shelves lined with 25-year-old shot glasses and thimbles are not out of ordinary, either.
The shops tended to go hand-in-hand with a pawn shop nearby, too. Or a gas station that sold 45 different types of chewing tobacco.
But they do have their charm. I suppose.
Anyway, one afternoon in April or May, the two of us ventured out in search of cheap crap to add to our increasingly tacky rooms. I think we actually went into three different flea markets. (Classes weren’t that much of a concern to either of us at that point…..or perhaps any point.) The largest one had all sorts of trashy treasures for our enjoyment. I mean, half the fun was just sifting through all this junk. It still amazes me what collects in these places.
In a side room, after pushing aside a collection of old-fashioned baby carriages (and not old-fashioned in the nostalgic, classy sense), Evan found a Budweiser, plug-in sign that would’ve looked handsome perched above the entrance to the toilets in any dive bar across the nation. I can’t remember, but I’m sure he bought it.
As I turned around to escape the dark, moldy walls and cold, cement floor, a little piece of heaven starred back at me from behind two 6-foot mirrors.
It was one of those moments you have at the Humane Society when you know you’ve found the dog that’s gonna be your new best friend.
An eight-edged, light wood-colored, green….uh….plastic-topped beauty.
The price, you ask? Believe it or not I remember. A reasonable and sexy $38.
Sold.
That night, I tell you, we played like kings.
Granted each 3-hour gaming session would leave you with 3-5 splinters and some green rub-off on your wrists…it was all worth the sacrifice to have such a necessary piece of furniture in our basement.
You know, a typical fraternity basement. Ping pong table, folding chairs, poker table, and…..that’s about it. Then there was the closet with the pool balls, but that, too, is a completely different story.
Whether it was coersing little drunken, rushing high schoolers or duking it out with the house experts, I could sit at that table for days and days and never miss a thing.
I won my fair share of cash at that table, not to mention a couch and some textbooks at the end of a semester (hey, when it’s all profit, they’re worth their weight in gold).
Too sad that Ol’ Pokey died before his time. And it’s always a tragedy when the father outlives the child.
That’s right, Ol’ Pokey was my child.
One day I’ll own another dedicated poker table. It’ll be fancier, with real green felt and cupholders that don’t warp from the condensation on the beer cans. It’ll serve it’s purpose, for sure, but it’ll never hold a candle to Ol’ Pokey.
I miss that poker table.
Poker Home Games: 31
May 4, 2008
I learned this game when I was in junior high. Seventh-grade, I think. The guy who taught it to me was only doing it so he could take my money. I remember the scene vividly.
It’s NOT elementary, my dear Watson
April 27, 2008
Have you ever tried teaching someone to play poker? I don’t mean the fundamentals of poker – what beats what, how to bet – I mean tried to explain to them how a new house game works that they haven’t yet heard of?
I suppose that’s basically what I do half the time with the poker home game articles, but in print it’s quite a bit easier. You have the opportunity to think longer about what you’re going to say and how to phrase it, you can add breaks and notes and tips throughout the way, and the person learning can read through it at his or her own leisure, take their time and review anything they may not have caught the first time.
But, in a live setting….things are different.
I haven’t had the “luxury” of playing the poker game instructor in at least a year; in fact I’m actually the one being taught these new games that we’ve started added to our semi-regular playing rotation. Now, it’s a rare thing that I’ll drink while playing cards. I’ve done it, I know what it’s like, but since the drink of choice tends to almost always be beer, and beer just isn’t my thing, I’m usually option for the cola on hand.
However, I will go on record as saying that beer is, without a doubt, the worst enemy of even the most patient poker game teachers.
Even the simplest twist to an already understood game becomes a challenge…an eye-rolling challenge of pure frustration and rage, and people who you were just having fun with, chatting about the upcoming football season, turn into what you hope will be the receiving end of an open waffle iron.
Here’s an example: Baseball. Many different ways to play. So any normal player, when given the opportunity to deal, will ask what the house rules are? In a recent example whoever’s place it was that night came out and said, “It’s stud, 3’s and 9’s wild.”
My mistake….my horrible mistake….at that time was pressing the issue, and asking about a match or fold rule on a 3 coming face up, or the extra card for the price of the ante rule if a 4 is dealt face up.
You’d think I was asking them to break down the political views on our current presidential candidates (of which the candidates probably couldn’t even do). I’ve never seen so many blank stares.
“What the F— are you talking about?” one asks.
“So, if I get a wild card I have to fold?” comes another winning question.
“Do I have to trade in the 4 for another card? Why would I pay for that? Do I have to match the pot on the 4, also? Is the 3 wild if I match?”
Ah, and here’s the best one….. “What happens to the 3 if I fold? Is it still wild?”
Yeah, buddy. The 3 in your dead hand is still wild. In fact, it can make your whole hand smell like cinnamon buns for all I care.
My point, as trivial as it may be, is that it was obviously the beer talking. But even sober, you’d be dumbfounded how typically intelligent individuals can break down into third grade head-scratchers at the very mention of a new game.
Not all of them, mind you, but it’s usually around half. In fact, unless it’s at the VERY beginning of the night, before people start playing and get in a rhythm (thus not wanting to break it for 10 minutes to learn a new game), I won’t even make an attempt to bring up a new game.
I tried it once with a game I’ve explained on here before called Continents, and in hindsight I think I’d rather sit through another Jennifer Lopez movie than deal with the onslaught of bafflement that ensued.
Actually now that I think about it, I’m not sure I have a point. Maybe to consider your situation before voluntarily upping your stress level trying to bring a new game into the rotation.
I’m probably exaggerating a bit. On occasion I’ll be sitting with a group that really enjoys learning new games (as do I, what a concept), and isn’t too toasted to stay interested and attentive through the rules.
I will add, as well, that it might be worth going through a little bit of frustration and agony to get to that end result…which is usually a winning hand in your favor, at least until the drunk bastards can sober up and pick up on the strategy.
Poker Home Games: Suit Poker
April 21, 2008
Suit Poker
I know there are plenty of purists out there who just flat out hate wild card games. Of course, I can understand this in a casino setting, but when it comes to the home game, I’m pretty much open to anything. I love learning new games, and the crazier they are, the better. (Unless I’m drunk, in which case the easier they are to learn and remember, the better.)
I remember having so much fun as a kid when I first learned about Aces, Deuces, One-Eyed Faces….and Suicidal Kings being wild.
What’s the deal with those kings, anyway? You’re the frickin’ king….you get to sleep with the Queens and….uh….sevens. What’s there to be suicidal over?
Anyway….
So, here’s a simple, fun, wild-card stuffed version of any poker game that exists. Whether it’s five-card draw, five-card stud, seven-card stud or something else, you can add in these wilds and some spice to your game (and likely some more money to the pot.)
So what’s the wild? Whatever suit you choose.
1.) Let’s set the example for this walkthrough as a game of five-card draw. Basic rules remain unchanged. This one actually gets extremely crazy because all of the cards are hidden…and the ONLY indicator you have of what your opponents might be holding is by how many cards they choose to draw. (And a word of advice, if you don’t choose anything, you better be holding a royal flush or better, or you’re done, son.)
2.) Well, there’s really not much need for a #2. Whatever single suit you choose in your hand to be wild, is wild. You don’t have to call it before hand (although that could make for a good alternative to this — each person writes down on a hidden sheet of paper what suit he wants to be wild, and THEN the cards are dealt).
3.) My house rules are a royal flush beats five of a kind. Four of a kind, straight flush, five of a kind, royal flush. That’s what I prefer…but I know house rules nationwide tend to lean toward five of a kind being the king of hands. I don’t really get this because technically the odds are still probably in favor of you pulling 5 of a kind rather than a royal flush…but I’m just guessing, I could be wrong. In any event, I always recommend you decide this before you start playing so there’s no confusion if the situation does come up.
Enjoy….go WILD!
Poker Playing Places of Power
April 13, 2008
Poker Playing Places of Power
Everyone always talk about how one plays poker. The tips and tricks. The tells and traps. The hints and decisions and everything else that makes a poker player what he or she is.
Well, while the “how” seems to get all the glory, I personally find the “where” to be just as interesting. Have you ever thought about all the different venues in which you’ve played your favorite card game? I recently have, if only because I was bored for a few hours this week, and I’d already exhausted the Internet (I know, can such a thing really be done?).
So, I thought I’d walk you though almost everywhere I’ve played America’s favorite card game pasttime, and tack on a mini-review for each one.
1.) Binion’s Horseshoe Casino - Figured I’d start with the best to keep you interested. The place is actually a little dirty, and you don’t necessarily feel in awe as you walk in. But you do HAVE to play there…it’s one of those casinos on Freemont street in downtown Vegas that you go to just to say you played poker there.
2.) My parents’ backyard gazebo - From one extreme to another. I actually have a lot of fond memories of our high school poker group basically camping out overnight and playing cards until the sun came up. It was the only place we could play at that time where we weren’t kicked out by 1 a.m. Plus it had a wicked awesome ceiling fan.
3.) Cruise ships - I’ve been on 4 cruises in my life, but only 1 that actually had a poker table that wasn’t of the Caribbean Stud variety. I thought I’d hate playing with the cruise ship crowd, but it was actually pretty enjoyable…probably because I cleaned up every night. Also the only table I’ve ever played at that I can remember that had burgundy felt surrounded by faded black leather. The dealer was also cool. At the end of the night we taught each other new games - he was fascinated by Spot (aren’t we all?).
4.) A friend’s house - You know the familiar setting…beer all over the place, chips on the vacant chair so as not to obstruct the table, and someone serving as banker (somehow poker night always turns into Monopoly). I’ve been lucky the past few years down here in Florida, as my poker friends ponied up for one of those nice, shiny table-top covers. It keeps everything so much more organized, and the cupholders reduce the spilled drinks count by a good 15%.
5.) Canada - Windsor Casino to be exact. Here I only got to play Caribbean Stud (man I hate that game so much), and Blackjack, as they didn’t run traditional poker tables. If you’ve never been there and don’t mind the game restrictions, it’s actually a very lavish, elegant setting…outside of the casino that is. Plus you can buy Cuban cigars in the gift shop. It’s like an upscale European hotel until you get into the casino, at which time you think you’ve stepped into a 1980s Indian Reservation. Speaking of which….
6.) Indian Reservation - Kind of depression, actually, although I can’t 100% put my finger on why since all casinos on the inside tend to be the same at heart. I think I was 19 when I went to my first and only Indian Reservation casino either in Illinois or Wisconsin….or maybe Indiana. I felt like I was doing something wrong the whole time…and not in that awesome, “yeah I’m buying illegal fireworks” way, either.
7.) Work - If you can get away with it, playing at work is…..just kidding. I’m not that stupid.
8.) School - However, I was stupid enough to play cards at school when we were in high school. We thought we were being all sly playing for “credits” instead of “money” so the teachers didn’t think we were gambling during our lunch break and down time. Our group of 6 or 7 managed to get playing cards in general banned from the entire school, a rule which stands to this day, 12 years after I graduated. This was a time when there were as many wild cards as pimples on my face.
9.) College - In my fraternity, when I was a pledge, a bunch of the older brothers rounded a few of us up after asking if any of us wanted to play cards. I was extremely quiet as a freshman in college, at least in situations when I didn’t really know anybody yet, so I came across as shy I suppose, and thus I’m sure these guys were planning to take me for everything I was stupid enough to pull out of my wallet. This was the beginning of my 4 1/2 year reign as poker king of the AEPi house. Others will disagree, but I guarantee you I’ve either taken their money, their textbooks (as good as cash) or a piece of their furniture at one point or another. We’d play in rooms, the hallway, the basement, the front porch. The only place in that house I didn’t play cards was the deep fryer…although my constant full houses probably would’ve tasted better fried up than half the garbage we were given to eat.
10.) The Internet - The Internets!!!! I have to be honest, I hate playing poker online. But I love playing hearts and spades online. Personal preference, I guess. Maybe at the heart of things, I like poker as a social gathering just as much as a challenge and an avenue for winning money, and online you just can’t get that.
So those are my poker travels…it’s been a fun ride, and I look forward to adding zephyr, rugby game and the Playboy Mansion to that list sometime in the next 20 years or so.
