Dear “John”, let’s play some poker

March 2, 2008

I don’t usually dive off into a questionable topic like I’m about to, and it’s definitely going to appear to be unnecessary to some. But I have no doubt that quite a few people, possibly even the majority, are immediately going to identify with my observation here and shake their heads in understanding as they read on.The topic? How awesome it is to play poker on your cell phone while your taking care of business in the toilet.

Yeah, seriously, that’s what I’m going to talk about.

I’ll add that the only reason this even crossed my mind in the first place was because I recently bought a new cell phone, and for a few horrific days, didn’t have a Texas Hold ‘Em or video poker game within fingertip access while I was sitting on my throne. That, coupled with a slow week of no poker games, sends my mind wondering, and the result is usually something like this.

Hopefully this article doesn’t strike you as a pile of crap. (Ba dum bum).

All right, so after a couple days I found the time to cruise through the games on my phone and download a generic poker game. It’s Texas Hold ‘Em, but I couldn’t tell you the actual name of it off the top of my head.

Man did I miss it. I mean, without the game, my whole stall routine was thrown off. One time I even forgot to grab the Best Buy and Circuit City ads before entering, it was a total disaster. I had to stare at the wall for a good 45 seconds.

Anyway, I have to say, I almost prefer the bathroom setting while I’m playing poker. It’s cozy, nobody can read you, you’re already concentrating so hard on one thing, you can’t help but to bring that focus and determination to the poker game itself.

You might rack up the anytime minutes, but it’s for a good cause, so you make due.

Or…you make due due. (Ba dum bum…again).

I’ve actually thought about this so much that I’ve ranked my favorite poker games as relating to order of usefulness when you’re in the bathroom.

1.) Video poker: Score 5/5 flushes — Why is this the king? Well, we’re talking easy, quick action (good for those fast urinal trips), you don’t have to play against anyone else (again good for quick in and out play), and you more often than not can use one hand to make all the necessary decisions (leaving your other hand free to make all of the real world bathroom decisions).

2.) Shoot ‘Em up poker: Score 4/5 flushes — I don’t know if many of you have found this game on your cell phones, but I came across a free demo of it and couldn’t get enough of it. Basically it’s just 5 card stud poker against the computer, but after you discard your cards, your draw cards are determined by which cards you shoot at a gallery where the cards are moving back and forth like the ducks at a carnival shooting gallery. They’re going at different speeds, there’s wild cards…it’s great. Quick, fun action ranks this one high, the only thing keeping this from being at the top is it does require back and forth betting, so you’re probably looking at about 1-2 minutes per hand…maybe enough for a urinal visit, but you might want to committ to a stall just to be safe.

3.) Hold ‘Em (against the computer or online  at vs. others who also are probably on the toilet) 3/5 flushes: For this one, you need to know you’re holding in a jumbo turd, and you’ll need to be prepared to dedicate a good 10 minutes to the game. Restricting this one from being a great toilet game is just that, the time and commitment needed. Plus, “community” isn’t really a word you want to be throwing around while you’re in the bathroom.

So there you have it, the scientific expert rankings for toilet poker hierarchy of awesomeness. Now….if you’ll excuse me….I should probably wipe. :)