Let’s play some (hic) cards!

February 3, 2008

I had an awkward experience a few weeks ago while playing cards. One which, oddly enough, actually had nothing to do with the game itself. Quick scene-setter.
Regular group, regular place, regular time, etc….
Right at the start of the night, though, something happened. It was my painful realization that I was doomed to spend the night as the only sober person at the table.

I know, the horror.
This may or may not have happened to you before, either during a poker gathering or at any other social event. So if it has, I now have felt your pain.

I’ll quickly recap how this came to be. It was my turn to bring the poker chips, which I did. I also made sure to grab some snacks en route to my friends place where everyone was playing cards. Cheetos. The puffy Cheetos not the crappy crunch Cheetos.

Anyway, my fatal mistake was forgetting to bring my own liquor, which I didn’t think would ever be something I’d have to worry about. Especially since these poker get-togethers have never been BYOB….or BYOL(iquor).

But, evidently, this one was, because the host house was bone dry. Apparently, the Friday night funfest emptied them out of everything from the rum to the toilet paper. (Don’t worry, that was taken care of….we used paper towels).

Thus, upon arrival, I’m hit square in the face with the harsh news that the only beverage being served from the tap is luke-warm city water. Mmmmmmm.

This turned out to only be an issue for me, since the others at the game took it upon themselves to not leave the certainly of their upcoming drunken stupor to anyone else but themselves.

Player 1 – 12-pack of Bud Light cans.
Player 2 – 6-pack of Heineken.
Player 3 – Budweiser for himself, more Budweiser for the host.
Player 4 – Already drunk upon arrival, plus a couple 40oz. bottles with the label illegible.
Player 5 (me) – Cheetos.

Now before you ask, I’ll clear up two questions. First, no, I don’t drink beer. Hit me with a vodka drink any day of the week and/or weekend. I’ll even tolerate rum in a pinch. Or whip me up a margarita…..or, being that I live in South Florida, throw a Sangria in front of me and I’m good to go.

But not beer.
I’ve tried. I’ve forced it down a few times. Doesn’t work for me. It’s like drawing to an inside straight. I could do it, but there are better options, including just giving up.

Second question, yes, I did still have my car. But it would’ve been a 10-minute drive, and I rest on my champion reputation of laziness when it counts.

So, taking both of those explanations into account, I was left to my own wits as my counterparts slipped deeper and deeper away from reality.

And the saddest, most pathetic part….let me add embarrassing….and definitely unfortunate….was that I wasn’t the big winner of the evening. The only one thinking straight, and my brain turned on me and screwed me over more than once. Probably because all I was feeding his body was now-stale instant cheese-diarrhea capsules.

More information than all of us needed. All right, forget it. I’m going to get tanked. It’s Super Bowl Sunday and I’ve got to get my bets down at Bodog.com! See ya!